Looking Ahead

I'm dusting off my good old blog here and hoping there are still some folks out there listening...

Life in 2012 was hard. There were amazing days, but also very dark, painful days. My word for 2012 was FAMILY. I had hoped and prayed that meant healing of my marriage and my home.

To God, apparently, it meant the opposite of what I prayed. In March, I found out my husband had lied to me about so much of our life together it seemed as if it was all a lie. In fact, it was. He moved out in May and has never looked back, intending to file for divorce.

But what the enemy has meant for evil and destruction, God has used for good. My home is now filled with peace instead of the turmoil addiction brings. My children and I are healing. And there is hope.

Is it still hard? Absolutely. There are tears and wishes for the healing we had all hoped would happen.

But we have learned that even when life is unfair and wrong and painful, God is still very, very good. He loves us with a love no human love can match.

And we have a promise that life here is not what it's all about. We have a forever home in Heaven and that’s where we fix our eyes~ on Jesus, who is preparing a glorious place for us where we will see Him face to face forever.

Even the good in life here pales in comparison.

Our light and momentary troubles are creating for us and in us something far greater than we can imagine. They are growing us up in Christ and showing us that faith is the only way to live.

FAITH is my word for 2013. I really didn't want a new word for the year since the last words have been painful in their being lived out in my life.

But starting with the gift of a beach trip for my children and me over the holidays, we've begun to see that to have faith in God is to hope, to see Him do more than we can ask or imagine.

One clear picture from our trip stands out as a symbol I hold onto for this year. It started at Christmas when my precious kiddos gave me this gorgeous charm bracelet. On it were seven charms~ three depicting my special names for my children, one with three keys because they hold the keys to my heart, a wolf, a globe for missions, and a dolphin.

Now, I love dolphins and we have always enjoyed seeing them when we're at the beach, but they aren't really a favorite animal I'd put on a charm bracelet.

While we were in Daytona Beach, we saw sting rays and tons of birds, but no dolphins. On January 3rd, the day before we were headed home, the four of us were sitting on my bed praying and looking out over the ocean.

I'd just started praying about the stories of faith I'd read in the Bible that morning: Abraham, Hannah, Jehoshaphat, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and how these men and women walked in faith and not fear and God delivered them.

I happened to glance out to the ocean as I prayed and was stopped mid-sentence.

There were dolphins!

A whole pod of them, dancing and leaping in the waves. We just watched and smiled.

Then I realized why God had my oldest include a dolphin charm on my bracelet~ to remind me that to walk in faith is victory. Joyful, hopeful, dancing victory.

We are still walking in the valley of the shadow of death. But as Psalm 23 says, we have nothing to fear because God is close beside us.

With his dancing, leaping, joyful victory in store for us.

And the picture of His beautiful dolphins to remind us to walk in faith with a joy that can only come from Him.

Of Paper Bags, Cucumbers, and God Kisses...

Strange combo of terms in the title, right? Well...grab a cup of lemonade and let me tell you a story.


It all started with a little girl afraid of noise. Public places scared her. People scared her. Then she grew up and conquered that fear. 


She thought she had anyway. But deep inside, she was still afraid- of everything.


Including grocery stores.


She never knew why. Not until things in her life reached a breaking point at home with her husband's addiction and she realized she had to get help for her heart.


She was led by God's great mercy to an amazing trauma counselor. Her last book advance paid for every counseling appointment- to the exact penny. And through every appointment God was present, revealing, healing, showing Himself to be so very good, so very real.


Even as He revealed horrific things from the past. With every memory, every tear (and there were many) God began to heal her mind and her heart. In every painful session, God revealed more and healed more. Childhood physical, verbal, sexual abuse.


Life began to make sense. Fear began to lessen because the people and experiences she feared were in the past- not happening right now.


God provided even more opportunities to see the healing happen. Amazing conversations with family members. Noise-which equaled a beating in the past- began to just be noise. Balloons popped. Kids were kids. And she smiled. 


She even went to the grocery store for the first time in her life and could add prices in her head. Where before, she'd run into the store and try to run out, but couldn't add 6 plus 4 without her insides turning into knots. 


Healing, true, deep, tangible healing was taking place.


Obviously, that she is me. And the last few months have been a roller coaster of pain and joy. Of experiencing real freedom from the chains of the past that bound me. Of healing.


Which brings me to the cucumbers and paper bags...


Money is tight, as it is for all of us, and one of my daughters needed a paper bag for a tea party luminary. I didn't know if we'd have the extra to buy some this week because of unexpected medical bills.


As we were pulling out of our driveway to head to the grocery, a neighbor gave us a gift of Wisconsin cheese- in a paper bag.


I nearly cried. God knew our need and cared that we see clearly His creative, intimate provision. 


While we were at the grocery, we noticed a sign for the first time. A sign that encapsulates grocery shopping and just about everything I'm learning to do as a separated woman raising kids on her own. 


Shop adventurously. 


We are. ;-)


At the store, I couldn't find the cucumbers I needed for this week. But I got "adventurous" and picked up some zucchini squash and started thinking about whether my kids would go for them instead of cucumber.


When I looked down at the package again, I saw "organic cucumber." The only cucumbers in the store.


In my hand.


Once again, God revealed Himself as a loving, present, extravagant God who cares intimately for every need.


I call moments like these God kisses. 


So that's how paper bags, cucumbers, and God kisses go together in my adventure with the Lord. 


Like I told a friend at church last night- when all you have that makes sense in your world is God, you start to see His amazing, intimate, omnipresent love in myriad places...


Even in paper bags and cucumbers. 

Happy 2012!

I love Christmas and the whole holiday season... except when it winds down and the tree is gone and the lights are gone and January blahs set in.

So to combat the letdown, our family has collected a nice amount of snowmen and snowflakes~ mostly handmade creations~ to decorate. And I spend some free time at the computer this week, looking back and praying and dreaming into the New Year.

The last handful of years, I've prayed about a word for the year. Each time, God has given me a wonderful word: Peace. Love. Contentment. Those were the words for the last three years. They heralded in very tough, very painful years of struggle, challenge, and discontentment.

But they also prepared me for what was ahead long before I knew what I'd meet on the path before me. I've learned peace in the midst of career and family chaos. I've learned to love when that word meant a cross. And I've learned to be content when life gave me plenty of reasons to rail against contentment.

Not that I've arrived. I think maybe all the tough lessons are because I'm a little stubborn. Okay, a lot. And that's why such beautiful words have welcomed in such tough days. And such amazing opportunities.

The word for 2011 was Contentment. I've looked back to see last year was a series of medical non-answers, lots and lots of hours spent working on two books, and the reality that God was there in the midst of it all.

I remain hopeful that the word for 2012 will come with some lessons that challenge and stretch me— some of which fall in the category of "good" and not all "painful."

My word for 2012 is Family. Not the word I was looking for, but it fits perfectly with what God has been doing in my life all 2011. After a stressful stretch of almost all workdays, school days, and hospital days, it's time to reorient and rest. It's time to focus in and laugh with the four people that mean more to me than anything. Then focus out and serve. Maybe even do both at the same time.

We had planned to ring in the New Year with a weekend full of family, fun, and friends. We started with a sleepover last night. Then finally starting work on our doll house today—the one we bought last Christmas and dreamed about how we'd have it put together, lights installed, and decorated by this Christmas.

Tomorrow we were headed to the High Museum, out to a favorite restaurant, and then on to a friend’s home to play games and usher in 2012.

But the chorus of coughs and sniffles going on behind me today says God had different plans for our New Year's weekend. I'm praying we can knock what appears to be sinus infections away and still manage to go out to eat.

But if not, we'll definitely be celebrating family and rest by welcoming in 2012 sound asleep. ;-)

So for the healthy ones out there... Enjoy ringing in the New Year a little extra for us, okay? Have a fabulous time laughing and loving and remembering and dreaming.

For those of us not able to carry on with plans as usual... Enjoy ringing in a New Year where God has already gone ahead and is preparing both us and the circumstances around us to see and know that He is God and He is good.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE! May 2012 be a year filled with the love of God, the hope of Christ, and fellowship with the Holy Spirit. And may you be encouraged and strengthened as you receive from God and overflow to all of those around you.

Happy 2012! 

Time for a Vacation

Life's tough. We all experience that. So I did what all wise women do when life heats up to a boil... escape.

Okay, maybe not all of us do that. Some go shopping. Smart ladies pray. (I'm praying someday I'll be one of those smart ones.) I daydream about escape. Especially when my body doesn't cooperate and falls apart, my wonderful children decide today's not the day for wonderful, and writing is akin to swallowing tacks.

In October, I finally stopped daydreaming about escape and took a cruise with my hubby and some writer friends.

It was the best medicine for all that ailed me. God was gracious and gave us this blessing of time away, time with friends, time to float in the huge blue ocean. Time to laugh. Time to think.

I came home realizing yet again, that I need that kind of time more than once a year. If I were rich, I'd cruise three or four times a year. But I'm not rich and I have school to teach, kiddos to love, writing to do, martial arts for needed exercise.

But I do need time with friends, time to laugh, time to just be. And time to hear God before the need to escape kicks in.

I'm not quite sure yet how to do that, but I'm praying and trusting God's not done with the lessons learned on Caribbean waters.

For now, when my health is still a struggle and my kids and I are human and not always wonderful, I think I'll watch these videos (soon to come, they're still upside down and in need of editing) and stare at these photos below... and remember.

God is good.
He delights in His creation~ even me on a bad day and funny, tiny, electric fish in the ocean.
He has a good plan that includes trials and tough days.
He loves me. And you.

Amy, David, and Biggs in Jamaica.





Me snorkeling for the very first time!

Dear friends, Sharon Hinck and Trish Perry. They are two of my favorite authors of all time.

Isn't God amazing! This is a view from the dining room somewhere in the Caribbean.

Cruising with friends is the way to go! So many laughs, learning, and love shared amongst this amazing group of writers.

God is so good! And I'm no longer wishing for an escape. I love being home and my kiddos, and I love being a writer. Still wish I could bring Jamaican deep blue water home with me. ;-)



Answers, finally!

I'm soooo excited! After months of not knowing the extent of damage or cause of my ICU trip in July, I have answers. My pulmonologist reviewed the breathing tests I had today and said my lungs were fine, pretty good in fact. As we discussed numbers from my ICU visit, he admitted I "could have had blood clots that passed quickly."

Yep, God sure did something big in healing me.

In addition, we exchanged ideas about what could have caused these blood clots. He agreed I most likely have sleep apnea and that sleep apnea could cause my higher pulmonary pressure numbers, which in turn could cause blood clots. BUT the pulmonary numbers aren't high enough to warrant a diagnosis now or treatment besides what I already knew to do.

My doc also agreed that staying hydrated and exercising were the best things I could do to remain healthy. That and do a sleep study to prove I have sleep apnea and start using a C-pap.

He also explained the pain I'm still having in my chest. After some poking around and a series of questions, he felt confident the pain was caused by joint damage to my ribs where the rib and cartilage join. He also said to stop the routine of push ups I'd started doing again. Guess hand weights will have to do until my ribs heal.

My best connect the dots for what happened is that a martial arts injury to my shoulder also caused the rib joint damage. That benched me from physical activity. When I don't exercise, I don't drink enough water. Then the night before my ER stay I'd had two cups of coffee and ended up so dehydrated I had no tears even with all the pain. The missing link was the sleep apnea adding to this perfect storm and increasing my pulmonary pressure and thus the blood clots.

But if I stay hydrated, exercise, and start using a C-pap, there's a very good probability I'll stay healthy and no more blood clot worries.

THANK YOU soooo much for praying~ during the ICU visit and all the non-answers and resulting doctor visits with no answers~ you kept us sane and hopeful and as pain free as possible. Thank you all again for praying for healing and for wisdom... and answers. God is so gracious to have given a "Yes" to those requests.

I've lived the power of prayer and I'm forever grateful you all were a part of this journey. Thank You!

Back to Normal... Not

I've experienced the craziest, most pain-filled, most joy-soaked week in my life. It all started with stabbing pain in my chest Saturday at 4 AM. I couldn't breathe well and the pain spread to my shoulders and back, up my neck and into my head. I finally gave up my stubbornness and woke my husband. Then I told him I was going back to sleep.

He insisted we go to the ER.

One of the ICU nurses said if he hadn't forced me to go, I likely wouldn't have woken up the next day.

Long story short, I had another attack just as they were releasing me from the ER that was so much worse than the first. My husband was terrified. I would have been if I could have thought of anything else but the pain.

They sent me for a CT scan that a doctor said was lit up like a Christmas tree with blood clots in my lungs in all four quadrants. No wonder I couldn't breathe. Pulmonary embolism was the diagnosis that earned me a trip to the ICU.

When the pain finally subsided, my kids were terrified along with my husband. So was I. But instead of giving in to fear, my youngest stuck by my side and made me get well cards. She's still making me cards today.

My husband and older two daughters decided to pray instead of worry. My girls prayed with the families of two other ICU patients and encouraged them. Later Saturday night, David heard a code blue in the ICU and noticed a woman crying outside a room near mine. He ended up praying with her when the doctor came out to say her husband had passed away. Had David not been there, she'd have faced that news alone. When the doctor told her of her husband's death, she praised God for her husband's life and the time they had with him. I want to live like that. Please pray for Donna and her two children (10 and 12). God is holding them, but prayer makes a difference that defies explanation.

I know that from experience. Prayers carried us through a long day in the ER, a frightening stay in the ICU, and enabled us to see so many God moments.

In addition to the privilege of praying and watching my family share God's love with strangers, another God touched moment happened on Saturday afternoon in the ICU. My youngest daughter wouldn't leave my side the whole time she was there. But she was freezing. One of the ICU nurses warmed up a blanket, wrapped it around her, and sat her back on my bed. She wasn't even old enough to visit the ICU, but the nurse not only allowed all three of my girls to be with me but took the time to make sure they were comforted and cared for.

The next day, Sunday, I had a second scan done and the doctors were shocked to see my lungs were clear. Their only explanation was that the first CT scan was wrong. My family and I know better. We know God choose to heal me. I went home the next day.

I went from almost dying Saturday morning because of a pulmonary embolism to walking out of the hospital Monday with no blood clots at all. I'm home and so thankful for another day with my precious family.

At the same time my heart is heavy for Donna and her family. Even as we pray comfort for them in their huge loss, I can't forget how she choose to praise God during one of the most difficult and painful moments of her life.

I don't know why God healed me and took Donna's husband home. What I do know is Donna believes God is good. How can I not agree?

Life in my home is back to "normal," and yet it's not. We're keenly aware that my family could be going through what Donna's family is. We won't waste the gift of another day.

Every pain I've struggled with since coming home, another ER visit with no answers, and the normal squabbles of family life remind me that this world is not my home. Even so, each day is a miracle. Each breath is a gift. Thank You God!

Title Help and Something for You

I'm doing a new thing today and praying it will spark some ideas from you creative geniuses out there. Yes, I'm talking to you. ;-)

I found out yesterday I need two new titles for my Mennonite Romantic Suspense books due out in April and October of 2012. So, I'm asking for your help.

I'll post the story blurbs with original titles. The awesome publishing team at Harvest House loved the titles but heard from some bookstore accounts that the titles are overused in the marketplace, so we need something fresh.

Here's where you come in.... please give the information below some prayer and thought and start listing out your title ideas. If I send your title suggestions to my publisher and they pick yours, your name will appear in the acknowledgements with my eternal gratitude and you'll receive a signed copy of the first book when it releases.

Sound good?

Here's a little about the stories:

In Plain Sight


A female police officer’s assistance to a Mennonite runaway forces her into the middle of an escalating battle between two communities and the big city violence she left behind.

Nowhere to Run

Hiding among the Mennonite community fails to protect a female police officer and places everyone she loves in the crosshairs of a dangerous stalker.

I can't wait to see your creative genius! Thanks so much for helping.